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My Words Taste Yucky
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Dr. Rebecca Bell
Dr. Bell is a Licensed Educational Psychologist in the San Francisco Bay Area. When she was little, she loved school so much, she played it on the weekends. Now, she works with kids who hate school and writes about it in her blog, Notes From the School Psychologist.
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Don’t you hate it when you have to eat your words? Today was one of those days. I had to take my own advice and I hated it.
As usually happens, an administrator plopped a kid in my office and wanted me to see why he was fighting so much lately. He is a 7th grade boy and had just gotten into a fight in the middle of class. The kid tells me that it’s because he’s being teased. I know this kid from last year, and he is, in fact, a teaser as well. So I could easily imagine how words were exchanged, words escalated to yelling, and then (since words are the gateway drug to fighting), kids started shoving each other. This was, in essence, what happened.
Oh clever Ph.D.! I will utilize you today to change this child! I made the kid do a “Responsibility Pie” to see how much of the conflict he owned and how much the other kid owned. He started out with 99% other kid’s fault, 1% his, but we talked about it more and he ended up giving himself a fair slice of pie, about 25%. We talked about teasing. I gave him permission to use foul language if needed, to tell me what the kids were calling him. To my surprise, the trigger for this “tough kid” to fight was that the kids called him Nemo. Yes, as in the fish. I asked him if when they called him that, did he grow gills, hop in the sink, and start eating fish food? He laughed and said, “No” and we talked about how “Just because someone calls you something, it doesn’t make you that.” I was pretty proud of my shrewd counseling skills at this point. Since I was on a roll, we brainstormed other ways to react to teasing (e.g. ignoring in the same way you ignore rude MySpace people because then they tend to stop, making a bully-deflecting joke, etc etc.). And I sent my kid on his merry way, with the statement, “Try out some of these things today and let me know if any of them work!”
I think you know where this story is going. I left my office for my next kiddo and I overhear one of my counselee’s say #$%ing bleeeeeepidy bleeeeeep $$$ to a group of his 8th grade friends.* Out of instinct, I broke my cardinal rule of not reprimanding 8th grade boys in a group. If anyone has tried this, it is a lose-lose situation because the kid is far more invested in looking cool than listening to whatever you just said. The following is a painful transcript of me getting teased by a group of 8th grade boys:
My kid: #$%ing bleeeeeepidy bleeeeeep $$$
Me: I need you to use respectful language in school
My kid: (to my surprise) Okay, sorry.
Random 8th grade boy: $^x%x you, dumbass bitch! (laughter erupts)
Me: That is not appropriate language for school. (turns and walks away)
Random 8th grade boy of unknown location: Puta!
Me: (whipping around) That is not appropriate. I know Spanish! (turns and walks away) Crowd of 8th grade boys: Puta! Puta! Puta!
Me: ....
Yeah, that’s right. I ignored them. And it sucked. But I knew that no matter how long I stayed in that interaction, I would not win that one. I couldn’t find the kid who said it, and they were really enjoying seeing me whip around and be horrified at their disrespect.
10 minutes later, I thought of all kinds of bully-deflating remarks. sigh
*I always have this internal battle with myself about when to ignore and when to intervene. In general, if the language is garden variety cursing, I let it go. If it’s sexist, racist, or homophobic, I intervene. It was one of the latter.
reidn23
2 months ago
30 comments
So candid- love it!
drbell
2 months ago
6 comments
@Detroit: Good point. I could go back to the students I have rapport with and inquire who said it...but there is such a huge "no snitching" culture at my school, I don't know if it would work. I do agree that I need a new strategy for these situations. Master teachers, speak up!!!
@Patomin: I feel your pain!!!
Detroit08
2 months ago
4 comments
I agree that you would not have won the battle with those students at that particular time and it was best to walk away. However, those students still need to have a consequence for their behavior, otherwise they will feel they have gotten away with something. Worst yet they will believe they don't have to respect adults or staff . I would have found another way to get their names (homeroom teacher) and called them in individually the following day to discuss the incident, along with contacting the parent. These students need to understand that this type of bullying and disrespect toward ANYONE will not be tolerated. I teach middle school and it has worked for me. Kids seem to live in the moment and are surprised how someone over the age of 30 can remember something they did a few days ago and hold them accountable. Often because the student is in a different frame of mind at that point they are apologetic and repentant of what they have done because they no longer have to save face. The main point is accountability and consequences for poor behavior. We can't keep letting kids get away with things because they are kids or troubled..............they grow to become adults still expecting to get away with these behaviors but the difference is at this point in their lives there will DEFINITELY be a consequence.
patomin
2 months ago
70 comments
OMG, this doesn't only happen to teachers and administrators. I remember when my first three were growing up there were literally a mob of kids waiting to beat them up every day at the school bus stop up the street. We lived in a neighborhood where we were the minorities and the whole thing was definitely a racial problem. When I addressed the situation of a 13 year old beating on my 9 year old, the girl in question literally flipped me off and told me where I could go in no uncertain terms.
It's in those days that I learned to take that deep breath, stand in front of my kids and walk away. Believe me, it surely was not easy and I didn't want to do it, but that was a kid, not an adult and what else can you do? You can't reason with a mob of wiseguys. You aren't going to win.